Feelings

A lot has happened this week and I'm not sure how to feel.  Should I feel sad, or should I feel worried that I don't feel more sad?  Should I be mad?  Should I be worried?  I'll start with tonight and probably jump around in time - it's after midnight and my brain isn't ready to think in a linear fashion.

I went to a church auction tonight as my friend's "date".  They auctioned off a cock-a-poo puppy.  They had the value listed as $550 and it sold for $800.  I felt so sorry for that puppy being passed around all night in that busy, loud place.  His description talked about his breeding, size and his low-shedding coat.  Not one word about his personality or what kind of home would suit the dog.  It made me ill to think that whoever could pay the most would get this guy.  What if it does't work out?  Would his new family care to know that his "breeder" is actually a known puppy mill?  And you can bet that a donated pup wasn't the pick of the litter.  I did have an extreme sense of satisfaction when I heard that the puppy had piddled on the first set of bid sheets for the night!

Mama!

Remember mama kitty and her greasy babies? She is all alone tonight.  This morning she had lost 2 more and by this afternoon the last little life was gone.  Mama doesn't seem to be that upset by it.  I think they know when their babies aren't right.  They will abandon one of them if they feel something is wrong with it.  I think she knew all along that something was wrong.  I think that I knew from the moment that I saw them in the shelter that something was wrong.  So while I'm sad that they didn't make it, I'm not distraught.  It is hard though to look at this picture of the happy little family, safe from the shelter and blissfully unaware that they had just over a week to be together.   

What worries me more is that I lost a kitten today that I hoped I could pull through.  Her litter also came from a shelter and were so cute that I couldn't leave them behind.  There were six in the litter and about 8 weeks old.  Cute, adorable fluffy-butts.  But one was clearly more quiet than the others.  Then the diarrhea started.  Just liquid goop.  The fecal was negative, the littermates fecals were negative.  She seemed to be getting better, the poop was firming up with pro-biotics and then last night she just looked awful. This morning she went to the vet and her poop was seeming more firmed, but when she had an accident, it was exactly the same form of canned food that went in her mouth.  It shot through her body that fast.  It's possible that she had a liver-shunt.  We've seen other kittens go through this, and she's at that age where it shows up.  It's just another birth defect thing and there is no cure.  I feel pretty crappy about losing her.  I keep replaying it in my mind and it just sucks.

One of our dog fosters lost a dog last night too.  I just loved this picture of him.  He has caught something in the   

Shepardmix!

shelter and just went downhill so fast.  He had a high fever and was suffering and he wasn't going to get better.  We had to make the painful decision to end it for him.  At least he got to enjoy the sun on his coat and the joy of running around before he got sick.  As foster moms, we're very sad that he had to go through that and we are sad for the loss of a fine dog.  But as foster moms we are filled with worry about the dogs that he was exposed to.  Worry that we'll have to watch this play out again.  We relive all the decisions that led up to getting certain animals and wonder if we did the right thing. 

That's what keeps you up at night.  With a week like this, people who read my blog ask me how I'm handling it, how do I live with this when just reading about it makes them cry.  The loss affects me differently on different days.  Sometimes it sneaks up on me when I least expect it, but I have seen the people who do this and can't handle loss and truly grieve for each one, but that is so hard to live with.  and so hard to keep doing this and not lose your mind.  I try really hard to balance my feelings for them with the reality of what I do.  They wouldn't call it "animal rescue" if it was just about boarding animals until they could find a home.  I adopt out a lot more than I lose, way more than I lose.  And on good days I remember all the ones that have found homes.  On the bad days I dwell on all the ones who didn't make it.  Luckily I have more good days than bad.

One good thing that happened today was that we got a new volunteer!  It's interesting trying to evaluate the people who want to help.  Everyone who asks to help has a good spot in their heart, we just need to find the ones with that funny spot in their brains that are willing to be a part of this crazy process week after week.  So we're not saying that you're insane, just as crazy as the rest of us!  She started volunteering because she would read my blog and cry about the stories, so instead of sitting home crying, she wanted to help do something about it.  We have many ways for people to help, so if you think that you might want to do more, let me know.  We have different jobs based on the different levels of crazy!  If you're insane enough, you could take over for me and be the next krazycatlady!